I simply don't know what to do
My dad is very sick in India and my mom is not doing well either. My sister has sent an email asking me to come immediately. I can neither say no nor say yes. Nobody will understand my situation. If go now and if it happens that I am not able to come back, then I will be in a mess. All the effort that I had put for the past three years goes waste. My sister easily said that future will be bright anywhere. What they dont understand is the psychological aspect of it. I will be dead if I go and get stuck in India. The Aravind with the dreams and ambitions and smiles will fade away into nothing. I can already feel the depression that will take me from which neither can I come out nor will I want to come out. Does this all mean that India is bad. No. The fact is the I have suffered so much here that to leave everything means to take away the meaning of my existence. All I need is a few more months. Why is this happening to me? It was they who taught me to dream, to cultivate ideals, to strive for amibition and now it is all a waste? I really dont know.
Today I met this perfect ABCD. He knows a lot about computers, finished all the CISCO certifications and stuff. I asked where he went to school. He said he only studied computers. He didnot like college since he had to learn english, math etc. I can only pity him. Computers is not everything in life. It is good that he has found interest in something. But it will be a nice thing if he can learn to appreciate a little variety. This is the problem with American kids. They believe what they think and know is the right thing. It pays little to develop patience and heed to someone with little more experience. Afterall we have one life and when we turn back, we should not have regrets that "I should have done that". Well coming back to this ABCD, I asked what he wanted to do. He didnt know. He said he was confused. He did not want to live with his parents anymore (not that he hates them). He was so frustrated that he was litterally cursing "fuckin indian culture". Again I can only smile at his immaturity. It is a little price we pay to our parents, who have given their entire life to us.
Inevitable result of being alone for long periods of time is that one tends to understand himself a little more. I just realized I am incredibly greedy and jealous for knowledge. I want to learn everything that is possible to learn. The second I know someone else is more intelligent and knowledgable than me, a tinge of hatred develops in me. That was how I have always been. But oflate I am growing tired of this attitude. Reason is, I cannot know and learn everything. There is always someone more intelligent than you. Instead of focussing on what I do not know, I have begun to focuss on things that I know. For examples, books. I read a lot and have read a lot. But unlike others who say this, my taste is very different. I donot know most of the authors that any "so called" readers would know. I really dont care. I read what I enjoy. Same is the case with music. I really can never appreciate any of the modern music; be it rap, pop, country music etc. Basically anything in english. I need it in my language, only then I feel the connection. The only other kind of music that I can appreciate is classical, be it western or carnatic or hindustani. The other day I was hearing bits of some kind of opera. That was the first time I was hearing that. It was like I could almost feel it in me. The music went like waves and I could decipher the patterns in it. Basically I could taste the melody in it. I could not do that with any of these new days singers or mucians. Not that they are not talented, just that I cant make a connection.
I got 280/300 in TOEFL. Sounds good???/ hell NO!!! They gave me a 4.5/6.0 in essay. Am I missing something? But for this pathetic essay writing score I would got something like 290 or 295. Either the guy who corrected is really dull witted or my English is slipping away from me. It is the latter which frightens me. Got to read some proper prose and poetry and talk with people who "speak" in "English".
I read this
article of Arundhadhi roy today. A very touching reality which would shake anyone with a decent mind. I agree with her completely on the atrocities that were committed on Gujarat and elsewhere in the name of hindu nationalism. It does not make sense to kill people to propagate the so called "hindurashra" which I personally think is a nonsense. On the same lines, Something else also popped up in my mind. State sponsored terrorism - then the government which was elected by the people did what the people (at least in this case majority) wanted to be done. It is definitely wrong, but why in the first place such hatred, such mindless anger come over so many people. As she had pointed it out, the attrocities that were committed were planned well in advance, meaning some time back. Time is a relative quantity. If I put this incident in a time scale of several hundred years against another scale consisting of all the different races of the world, things fall into a slightly different perspective. These type attrocities were committed by every race, follwing every type of religion- hinduism, christianity, Islam etc., covering every time period we could think of. Every country, every nation stands guilty. The struggle that people like Arundhati roy are undertaking has been undertaken by every kind of moderates over all the time periods. Infact I believe it will continue in the futue also. We can never attain something called world peace. I think we have in us an innate ability to hurt others and destroy. I think it is also natural for us to do this since I myself have been so dull witted so many times. Is this all an excuse to whatever bad that is happening - no. Things are as they are and may be as they should be. I dont want to get involved in this. I think my duty to would be to bring a shirt on the back of a shirtless, food to the hungry and home to the the homeless. I cannot fight against or even worry about the evils of the world. I simply cannot, I lack the mental will power and strength to do that. But if You ask me help others, then I can do something about it.
Oflate I have been doing a lot of thinking about my faith and God. One reason for these deep thoughts may be that I am not communicating with anyone. I have nobody to talk with as a friend. Only respite I have is when I talk with Tariq. Anyway, coming back to God and faith, if I truly believe in my religion which says there are many ways to reach God and each must choose his own, I should learn to accept the concepts of conversion and attacks over my religion. Many of these people believe that their faith is the only true faith and it is the only (if not one of the best!!!) paths to God. Such ideas have irritated me in the path and would do in the future. But I think I have learnt to live with that. It is not my duty to "convert" or "convince" them to the right path of tolerance as I see or believe. Following Gita, "Whatever happened has happened well, whatever that is happening will happen well and whatever that will happen will happen well". There is nothing in my hands except my duty which I will perform to the best of my ability. If some people think hinduism is nonsense and converting everybody from it is the right thing to do, then let them do it and if some people think hindurashtra is the only salvation of all hindus, let them fight for it. I am not going to side with or oppose any side. I would rather spend my time and effort to do my duty and eventually give back atleast a tiny fraction of all that I have got from this world. Think about it, even if one face smiles because of me, if one child feels taken care of, I would have got all the blessings from all the Gods that I know and know not.