Why did I get involved in smitha's affairs
I just wanted to help her. I never got myself directly involved. Even when I went the other day, I did not utter a single word during their fights. I was booted there because everybody wanted me to be present there, just to give moral support. If miss. D didnot want me there, then she should have convinced smitha ....not bark at aravind. For all the reasons they give, Mr. D came to Bonita's house during a previous fight and shiva was also present during previous accounts. Now, why should they get involved.....can't I ask this question???? Anyway, none of the people in the house except s wanted to get the matter settled. I still dont understand why Mr. D was so agitated. I have a feeling he is thinking too much about himself. First he refuses to talk to venkat about the matter. Then yesterday, he calls me and asks about the issue again. Then when shiva started handling the issue, he wants himself to be involved. Common, everybody has brain and wits and he can't act smart with everybody. So, when he tried to talk with venkat, venkat said, "I can't talk with you. I dont give respect to you. You please keep out this matter. You are not the deciding authority". Well, boy...boy.....there was one mighty pissed off guy. Guess he deserves that for the extra smartness he is trying to put into.
Well, yesterday was a party day in a way. I was invited as a neutral spectator by smitha into her house problems. I did not want to go, but eventually had to go. Miss.D called up when she knew of it and asked why I am coming. Infact she just fell short of saying get out (as if i care). Then, all hell broke lose. Though I maintained my part as a spectator saw lot of people getting too emotional and saying nonsense(quote Miss. d: "Lier, Lier, Lier, first rate lier", Quote smitha: " You sneaked sumathi in the middle of night"). Actually I have become pretty sick of this whole issue. Both sides have done mistakes. But still I dont understand why people had to get agitated when me and venkat were only trying to sort things out and not speaking for anybody. Well, I saw how some people can go to the level slum dwellers in a fight. Good, that I am no longer related to anybody from that house. Eventhough this is none of my business, I think some people's attitute have to change. If not, they will get hit badly in their lives. But i guess, patta kooda budhi varadhu.
I am hoping that my thesis work gets over in a week from now. I am redy to go. I have finished applying to other universities. If I could set up the place of staying and work in the place where I go, then I am all set. Well no regrets to leave, infact to eager to leave and forget lot of unpleasant things that happened here. Strangely my starting and ending parts in Rolla seems to be same - in deep shit; but managing some how. If I had power, I would erase some parts of my life in rolla when I think I had been really stupid. Now that I think of it I am slightly irritated and definitely not guilty. Anyway, feeling very very good now with respect to my life. This is how I wanted my life to be, answerable to none with no commitments.
Some people it seems want to throw her out. She is refusing and holding her ground since she has lease. Sort of sorry state of affairs that house has become. Think that both sides should have handled things with little more maturity.
I submitted my thesis and formII in the dean's office. I will have to do all the corrections in the next week. I am hoping that work should be over in about a weeks time, so that I can leave by say, this month end. Hope everything turns out well.
The Deed is Done
Yes. It is finally done. I mean my thesis presentation. However, it is only part of the job, though a big chunk. I still have to submit my thesis write-up. The problem at this stage is that none of the comittee members have read my thesis. So, only when I submit they would sign my form II. But, then I stopped worrying about all this. I think it is time that I let the problems solve themselves. I am tired of fighting for them. The reason I say this is, I have to get my thesis and my form II in the Dean's office by friday this week, else I have to register for two more credit hours. I think air ticket to India will be cheaper than going for 2 credit hours and I am mentally prepared for such a situation. I think for a change I am going to let my proff. deal with all this mess. And adding flavor to all this, my I20 has expired as on september 15th.
I am losing faith in my defense. Unnecessaarily I am bothered . If he had left my defense to myself I would have survived. He has not complicated things. I am just gonna have a breif look at the slides now and go to the presentation tomorrow. Whatever that has to happen will happen. I am sick and tired of his corrections in my thesis. He should know there is a limit to everything and that I cannot keep on making the corrections. He had been sleeping for the past 3 weeks and now he comes up with all the corrections. Some people can really push you to your limits. I was a bit nervous before he called me, but now I am waiting when this thing would get over. Thesis or no-thesis I am out of rolla in a week. Let me see how someone is going to stop me. hmmmmm
I was wondering the other day, how come my defense is going suddenly so smooth. Well, I was right. It has nothing now to call it smooth. I still have not submitted my thesis to the comittee members. I am going to give them the thesis just before the presentation. My proff. is thinking about ways in which he could delay signing my thesis, but dean's office says that my form2 has to go in latest by 19th. Well, I dont care. This is all a little too much and irritating. I gave the papers a month back for him to read and get his feedback and have gotten nothing. Till this monday i had been doing new research. How will a sane person expect somebody to complete a thesis overnight, corrected overnight and give to committee members who are not in town. Well, if it so happens that my form 2 does not go by 19th, then I am gonna sayto him, You please talk to Dean's office and International affairs. Worst come worst, I will just push off to India and ditch this masters. I think I have done enuf and struggled enuf.
Slowly it is sinking now. I think I will also eventually defend. My defense date is fixed on septemebr 15th. It should go well. I think I will leave about a week from the date of defense. Strangely though, for all the possessiveness I am supposed to have, I want to let go evrything in rolla and disappear. Actually, I am eagerly awaiting the day when I can leave rolla. This week and the previous one has been very slow for me. Anyway, learnt to accept change as a fact of life and infact started waiting for it.
I dunno why I feel angry when I see some people. They remind of those days where I was in a state of constant pain and suffering. Although I am to blame for a part of it, still I guess I am not soley resposible. Sometimes I think I was used. Just if they had left me alone things would have been lots better for me. After coming out of it, immediately I started feeling better. Never again I will make such a stupid mistake. Sometime I seriuosly wonder, " Aravind what the heck were you thinking".
It is true what Bonita told me. I have changed after coming to US in my opinion about religion. I am more clear and rational. I reject the notion of any other religion or God other than those which come under Hindu philosophy. I think this I learnt from seeing how people from other religion consider theirs and others. I have become so irritated with these conversions that the topic is enough to get me mad. When you do not know your back, you are complaing about others'. Anyway, I would fully support if they ban all conversions in India.
Think of it now, it is like a miracle. I had $23 in the account, all credit cards maxed out and out of payroll. I had to pay fees, my daily expneses etc. I mananged. From somewhere I got a credit card for $500 and a credit line increase of another $500. Paid my fees, have money to go to where ever I have to. Also, my thesis defense date is settled finally. I think as some people say God works in mysterious ways.
After nearly seven years I came across one of my long lost friends (while browsing). It felt really strange. Actually I have not met him, just saw his photograph and managed rip most of the details from the web (when there is google, why think twice!!!). Suddenly I remember all the time I spent with him in the school and aother friends. Only now I realize how far I have come and how much I have undergone. It is in times like this , one just stops and just gazes into nothingness.
Like how in so many things God has helped, so he will to get me out of this.
I seriously started believing that my defense is not gonna happen. All proff. have timings which are contradicting with each other. If at all I find such a date when there is not conflict, they all go for chair search meeting. Why is this happening?? I am tired. I think the best way to solve this problem is to let the problem find its own answers. I am not gonna break my mind regarding this. Period.
I know I should have kept my mouth shut. It is all my mistake. Why did I tell to bonita about General Motors Diet. Sometimes I think, "Aravind, you are a total jerk". Look what happened now, you have not eaten since monday. As if you are going to lose weight in a week. She is not even letting me drink juice. Anyway, Slept all day today. Was very tired and sick. Hope tomorrow will be a better day.
Polambal to myself